I wish I would have lived my life without the chronic sense that something was terribly wrong with me. And yes, something terribly wrong across the board, with the universe. Though people who don’t seem to have my problem never cease to amaze me, especially those who seem so adept at doing what I wish I could do better.
Of course there are exceptions and moments in time when all seems well and good. When grace brings in a sense of overwhelming peace. This happens in measure. But by and large, I go on day after day feeling broken and subdued for the most part. Nothing new, but made even more assuredly so by my own sins, even though the Lord has protected me.
I would like to get better during the years I have left. Actually I think in some measure I have gotten better over the years, and am still in process that way. But we inevitably see the stark contrast between ourselves and others, and we know the wear and tear of life has taken its toll on us. I get to the place where I simply give up becoming substantially different.
Yes, I would like to overcome the sense that something is wrong, although that sense can help me keep coming again and again to the Lord, realizing that my only hope and life and eternal good is from him.
In another sense I need to accept myself just where I am. Yes, I can’t be so and so. In large part that is because we’re all gifted differently. And the Lord is at work in my life to help me grow and learn to do better in his grace. Doing better in the sense of being more at rest and peace.
Until then and beyond—I hope always, no matter what—I will continue to come back to the Lord over and over again, by his grace. I will hopefully grow in my sense of need and dependence on him. And I will also grow in my sense of interdependence on others in Christ’s body, the church. Along with this, I will also be able to identify with the down and out of this world, even with the worst of sinners, since I myself am one with them. While at the same time being one with Jesus along with others in Jesus, being restored and remade in his image together for the world.