not fit for this

I look at the rest of my life, and I see a lot of hard work to the end, however close that end is near. Someone recently graciously gave me the eleven volume set, The Story of Civilization, by Will and Ariel Durant. He is getting rid of some of his library and offered that to me. And he called me a scholar in an exchange about this, during which I laughed out loud. While I consider that some sort of a wake up call for me to get back to reading, I realize just how limited my amount of reading will be, and even more the lack of outlet I have to share what I learn. I do want to read those eleven volumes and much more. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I can look back and wish I would have been plugged into this or that. It is hard to know where to go with that. I have more than one possible scenario I wish would have worked out. But that is a waste of time. I’m where I’m at now, as one who is enthusiastic to learn and grow, loves truth, particularly from the faith in Jesus, but very tired, the days spiraling into weeks and months and years.

I will try to hold on— and do better than that, in all my weakness. Hopefully leaving a good situation for my wife if I pass before her, and something of a true blessing for our daughter and her children.  In the meantime my head is nearly spinning. Well, I’ll take one day at a time, and hopefully get better at this.

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